You know the feeling of jealousy emerging, in a relationship or when a woman you like is flirting with other men.
You won’t be shocked if I tell you that 95% of all people – women and men – claim to be jealous …
Men come to my coaching again and again to get tips against jealousy …
I have therefore with Dr. Wagner composed, a renowned and recognized relationship therapist and expert and together we have compiled a list of tips against jealousy for you …
Tips against jealousy
Estefano: Okay, the next question is, “How do you best deal with jealousy in a relationship?” It’s actually a double question, about jealousy on the male side and jealousy on the female side.
Miss Dr. Wagner: Before I answer the question, the first thing that occurs to me about jealousy is that in the 68s people said, “Jealousy, you don’t get that”. There was talk of the green-eyed monster jealousy. As if you could put it away. And you can’t get them away. Jealousy persisted for so long, jealousy is genetically anchored in us. That is, because it is still there today, it has a meaning. Everything that evolution considers important, because we can survive better with it and have better chances of survival, that holds. And jealousy, because it has been there from early on until today, is a strong, genetically anchored feeling that we cannot get rid of.
It is not true that it is just a feeling. There is no basic feeling called jealousy. There is a jealousy ambulance. And a doctoral thesis was written on it, so jealousy is a very large mixture of fear of loss, you feel degraded, you are angry that the other way it is, you feel alone, loneliness. But with one more and with another less. So if you’re jealous, it may feel very different than if I’m jealous. First of all, you have to know that you can’t get away easily. You have an impact on jealousy to the extent that you can look in a relationship “I let this feeling of fear let the other one go away now, do I now give free rein? Or do I oppose something? ” And then I have that power. You just have to accept, you can’t get rid of jealousy completely, but you can learn to deal with it.
Estefano: Yes. First of all, what I’ve learned is that jealousy often results from men, that they actually have inferiority complexes and believe that someone else could be better for women than them. Otherwise, you wouldn’t be afraid of losing her because if you are sure that you are the best option the woman can have in her life, you would not be afraid that she has something with another man because you’d think to yourself, “It’s your own fault. If she doesn’t see it, blame herself ”. That helps a lot, this is often the case with men. And what is still, if, for example, the woman is jealous, that you are complicit as a man and vice versa. Because it can often be that you just don’t talk to each other and the partner doesn’t make you feel safe with him. Otherwise, perhaps even without realizing it, realizing that you are not sure. And that is also a critical point. And if you always say to yourself that you love each other and why you love each other above all, that matters a lot. Because, for example, what men often say to women is “you look so good” but rarely do they say “I live with you the way you smile in the morning”. And then these are things that not only have something to do with the appearance, because then the woman automatically thinks “When the next 18-year-old comes who is younger than me …” – and the next 18-year-old always comes who is younger than a woman –
Miss Dr. Wagner: And that looks better
Estefano: And that looks better! There is always one that looks better. Just as there is always one with men who is richer and more successful. Will never change. And that’s why you have to say why it is, the characteristics of her, what you love about her and that actually reduces a great deal in jealousy.
Miss Dr. Wagner: I agree. If these external values are eventually replaced by relationship values and then you don’t leave so quickly. Then you also consider if the relationship works well, if love has grown up, then it is no longer so important whether you really are the best looking woman in the area or whether you are the richest, most successful man in the area is. But you still can’t get them away. I experience it again and again that even women who could be so sure that their partner would not cheat on them or vice versa the woman who keeps saying “I love you. You are the best I have ever met “the man anyway…
Estefano: Yes. It is also important to discuss it with each other, I think, what makes you jealous? Does it make you jealous because your partner is flirting with someone else? Or do you become jealous without a reason or a trigger at all?
Miss Dr. Wagner: We are making a very big distinction. There are two types of jealousy. What we just discussed here was this normal jealousy, but there is also pathological jealousy, and a really exaggerated jealousy. And this normal jealousy, you can talk about it, you can see that you strengthen trust, that you ask yourself the questions you just said. But if you now combine something jealousy with something that is of value, that is, a delusional idea – for example, this is often the case with people who drink a lot, or who somehow have a personality disorder – it may be right that they absolutely believe it are that the partner has just done something or the partner. And you can’t get her away from this idea. If you have someone like that, you have no chance at all. You can build relationships there … and alcohol strengthens it. If someone regularly drinks a lot, he intensifies it. Then you come to the jealousy.
Estefano: The most important thing is that you see it from the beginning, that the partner has it, as quickly as possible, so that you know that this is the wrong partner. Because then you don’t have to deal with the whole topic at all. What I also noticed is, for example, when the partner … or when I hear something from a woman like “My partner does not allow me to do this and that”, “I am no longer allowed to go shopping here alone” , “I’m not allowed to go on vacation anymore”. This is also a kind of pathological jealousy, but many men have it and they get so attached that they always lose it sooner or later, because the interesting thing is that many women do it internally – part of the woman I think – enjoy it when a man takes care of her so badly and wants that she has nothing with another man, because then she feels loved. But that’s only part of it. It is such a contradicting feeling. I am not a woman, but I think that’s how it comes to many women. One part feels protected and cared for and is happy that someone has it, but another part feels hooked and pressured. And if you do that too much, you will lose it sooner or later.
Miss Dr. Wagner: Exactly. And depending on the woman, this limit is
Estefano: Very different. Is it true. Depending on what she experienced in her childhood and what need she had at the moment to be protected. What was often with me in the relationship was that in the beginning we talked a lot about what makes jealous of whom. For example, in the beginning I had this thing that I had to flirt with all women because I had it from before and I had to flirt like a madman – I’ve got it under control now – and then we talked about it and she did it actually taken a long time because she had self-confidence – but at some point I overdid it. And when I overdid it, clearly, she said it. And then I thought about it and I thought, “Actually, that would make me jealous too,” so I stopped it. But if she is now jealous, for example, without giving me a reason, then we also think about it and then we come up with “Hey, actually I didn’t do anything”. That means there is something in her that she has to find out. And so, in turn, we did all these things. That’s why it doesn’t happen anymore.
Jealousy is the feeling that dies the last
Miss Dr. Wagner: Great! And jealousy has little to do with love at first. This jealousy is the feeling that dies the last. It is not love. Love can no longer be, we can already be separated and still one can be jealous that the person now has his own partner.
Estefano: Very strong sentence that is the feeling that dies the last.
These are some really good tips against jealousy!
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